Razzle Frazzle - BaBMN 3 - Night of the Sleepys

The third installment of Beer and Bad Movie Night took place recently and I don't know if there are words to describe it. Adam picked some real gems this time. We started with Hitman (garbage), followed it with The Alien Dead (bizarre and awful), after that came Horror of the Blood Monsters (space vampire cavemen!), and we finished up with Lady Terminator (sexy?).

Before I jump into the synopses, let me tell you about my days prior to this event. I had spent the Saturday before in Petal, MS (about 100 mi from where I live) playing with our local show choir. I know it sounds silly, but it pays well. That next week, I had spent three days New Orleans. (My next blog will be about this). I returned that Thursday for two hell-like days a work. Finally, on the day of Beer and Bad Movie Night, I had to perform with the show choir again. Needless to say, when Adam arrives at Michael's with the movies, I was exhausted. Luckily, Adam had brought supplies in the form of disgusting energy drinks. He had a Steven Seagal drink that I am pretty sure was created when someone squeezed Seagal's sweat rag into an old beer can. That's what it tasted like at least. The other one I tried tasted more like cat pee strained through a pair of dirty boxers.

Adam and I went to the store and secured the snacks and the beer. Then we went to Nick & Al's where Adam bought a pizza that a was possibly the size of the rear propeller on a helicopter. I got a medium Margarita pizza (yum!) and we started the movies.

Again, I find myself not even being able to sum up Hitman, but I'll try. Let's see....Ok, here we go. It was about a hitman. There was shooting and guns. Maybe explosions. There was also some running and jumping. The End.

Next was The Alien Dead. The Alien Dead is a prime example of what Beer and Bad Movie Night is all about. Mindless plot, ridiculous acting, retarded characters. This movie centered around a reporter in a small town that was investigating a rash of killings in the area. The killings are of course the work of zombies. For some reason, the police in the town are covering this up. They want everyone to think that a rogue alligator is killing everyone. Nothing is ever done about anything and I guess the zombies get to run wild on the town forever. Also, the meteor that crashed to earth and made the zombies was actually just a dude with a sparkler.

Horror of the Blood Monsters was next. I actually think I followed this movie...sort of. The story starts with long narration about vampires plaguing the earth and then, without so much as an explanation, cuts to a rocket on a launch pad and the most lovable grumpy old man in the world. He was a doctor of some type, but I forget his name. I dub him Dr. Razzle Frazzle because that is what it looked like he was saying or at least thinking in every shot regardless of the emotion he was exhibiting. Angry - RAZZLE FRAZZLE. Happy - Razzle Frazzle. Sad - razzle frazzle. Arousment - raZZle fraZZle. Anyway, after a couple of scares on lift off, the rockets makes it in to the far reaches of space. Oh and "the far reaches of space" must be really close to Earth because these guys were on another planet in mere moments. There was some kind of trouble with the ship and the crew was forced to bring her down on an uncharted planet with a bizarre, color changing atmosphere. This planet is full of vampire cavemen and hot cave girls and alligators with fins glued to their backs that walk around tiny rocks to make themselves look bigger.

Anyway, like I said, once the crew lands on this planet the film starts changing color. After a little research, we found that Al Adamson (the "director") actually stuck three movies together t make this one. Let me say that one more time.

"THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY THREE MOVIES IN ONE".

Adamson made the movie with the astronauts in the rocket himself and combined it with two pre-existing Phillipino movies - one about cavemen and the other about vampires. Unfortunately, the caveman movie was in black and white so he worked in the atmospheric color shifts. So to paraphrase my former college roommate no matter what is going on, if the cavemen or finned alligators or cavebabes are on screen the film is "RED, BLUE, or GREEN"! I was impressed that they at least explained this in the film. I don't remember the explanation but they explained it and even added the fact that the red atomphere made them sick.

I don't actually know how this movie ends. I think they all die. Not sure. All I know is that there was a cave girl in a black skirt kinda dealy and she was hot and she learned English fast. I know at least some people die and Dr. Razzle Frazzle got sad (razzle frazzle). Also, sex was had, but sex involved hoses and pipes and flashing lights and not much...well, not much sex. It was more like they were trying to create a RoboVampire. Like I said, during the scene - "That's sex?! If that's sex, I'll have none of it!"

Lady Terminator tells the story of a girl with an eel in her vagina or as we called it a pussy eel. I will refrain from calling it that because 1) I would like to keep my G rating for this blog and 2) I don't know what it was supposed to be so I really don't need to mention it again.

Ok, I'll have to mention it one more time. Some dude has sex with this woman and steals her pussy eel (now I'm done) and oh, does she get mad. So mad that she curses a descendant of his 100 years later. Thats seemed rather passive/aggressive.

"Oh, you make me so mad. I'm gonna make your cousin's life a living hell!"

So, cut to the agreed upon 100 years later, and an anthropologist/archeologist/poofy haired, hot 80s babe catches the curse and starts killing people. That's honestly all I remember other than the fact that the Lady Terminator looked pretty good in tights.

Alright, so its obvious that I need to get better sleep and pay closer attention to the films for Beer and Bad Movie Night next time. Still we had a good time and I had enough energy drink to elevate my heart rate to that of a super cheetah, which as you know is seldom seen but has the fastest known heartrate in the universe. Anyway, hopefully next time we can watch The Gingerdead Man and Plankton.

For my obscure hot babe this time, I've chosen Robin Sydney (raZZle fraZZle). She played Katherine in the awful movie The Lost based on Jack Ketchum's awesome book. Read the book, skip the movie.