John Carpenter's Halloween has been my favorite horror/slasher movie since the first time I saw when I was 12 or 13 years old. Michael Myers just embodies faceless evil and the setting (suburbian Illinois) is an outstanding contrast to what is going on in the film. Honestly, I was really excited when I heard that Rob Zombie was remaking what I feel is the originator of the slasher genre. I thought House of 1000 Corspes was really entertaining and The Devil's Rejects was way scarier than it had any right to be. However, in thinking about those two movies, I came to a forboding revelation - "Oh crap, he's going to miss the point."
My friend Bill C. had recently purchased a projector and thought it would be a good idea to watch horror movies in his basement - an event now deemed "Horror Night". I, of course, jumped at the idea. We were discussing what movies we could watch decided that a compare and contrast of Halloween (1978) and Halloween (2007) sounded like a good plan. I hadn't seen the the remake and had to admit I was slightly curious.
The night started with John Carpenter's Halloween. Bill and I had both already seen it. Michael was a newbie. I can't say enough about this movie. Sure it was filmed in 1978 and sure all the stuff that happens in the movie are clichè here in the 21st century, but this stuff was wholly original in 1978. I'm assuming the 2 - 5 people that read this blog already know the story of John Carpenter's Halloween, but I will do a basic synopsis anyway.
In the beginning of the movie, on Halloween 1963, young Michael Myers brutally kills his sister, Judith. in Haddonfield, IL and is put into a mental institution. Fifteen years later (again on Halloween) he breaks out, returns to Haddonfield and ceaselessly stalks Laurie Strode, a young baby sitter that at the time seems to be a totally random victim. Michael kills a couple of Laurie's friends, but when he finally makes his move for Laurie, Dr. Loomis (the Ahab) is there. He shoots Michael six times in the heart and Michael falls off a balcony to the ground below. However, when Loomis goes to the balcony himself, Michael's body is gone!
This movie gets to me because it is plausible. Michael Myers isn't an undead tank like Jason Vorhees neither is he a wisecracking, dream inhabiting sociopath like Freddie Kruegar. He is just your average, ordinary, every day killer. There was nothing in his childhood that would have given away what he would become. The little bit of back story makes it seem like the Myers were an average, ordinary, everyday family living in the suburbs. Michael Myers could have been your next door neighbor.
Another thing about this movie that gets overlooked it that it takes place on Halloween. No one is really that bothered by a man in a rubber mask or a screaming girl on Halloween. The fact that Michael is able to stalk around in the daylight is an eerie thought and when he chases Laurie onto a neighbor's porch, the blinds are quickly closed and the lights turned off by what is surely its prank weary inhabitants. Basically, its the subtle, psychological horror that gets in you John Carpenter's Halloween.
And now for something completely different...
Rob Zombie apparently decided that Carpenter was too subtle and decided to go in-your-face for his reimagining. In Zombie's version, the Myers household is not the seemingly normal surburban family, it's a white trash hell hole. Everyone in the story is transmuted into an asshole, a bitch, or a whore. That's not to say that some of the girls in the original didn't have loose morals, but the girls in this flick are of a totally different color.
I'm not going to recap this film (this entry has gone on for long enough) but in the end, I was right. Rob Zombie totally missed the point. Michael Myers is a psycho, but he's not a gigantic, mindless killing machine. There is a method to his madness. Zombie should have just made an entirely new movie with an entirely new killer instead of sullying the name of the genre's originator.
I think Rob Zombie is a very talented director and he has done some great things in his movies, but he is not a storyteller and ultimately that's what you need to make a good horror movie.
One thing I can say for Rob Zombie's version is that it reintroduced me to Danielle Harris. When I was watching the Halloween sequels when I was younger I had the biggest crush on young Jaime Myers. Well, thanks to Rob Zombie I've found out that we've both grown up and I still have a crush on her! She is my obscure hot girl of the day!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Robo Vampire - Beer and Bad Movie Night: Part Deux
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter? - check
Die You Zombie Bastards? - check
Dragon Wars? - check
Manos, the Hands of Fate? - check
Santa Claus vs. the Martians? - check
Gingerdead Man? - not yet, but soon
Tongan Ninja? - check
Anyway, that's really just a short list of the crap I've waded through. As you may recall, to celebrate our shared masochistic interest, my British friend, Adam ("Why do you have to call me your 'British Friend'? Why can't I just be your friend?" he asks. "How else will people know I have a British friend?" I reply.) has started the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. On these randomly scheduled nights we get together, drink beer, and watch the lamest films since lame came to lame town.
A few weeks ago, Adam found us a gem. Robo Vampire. I don't really know what this movie is about. Apparently, in China, vampires are created when cocaine is put in their coffins and are controlled with pieces of yellow paper. Also, they hop. There is a long explanation on wikipedia if anyone is interested. I think it takes a lot of the fun out of the movie. There is also no mention of one of them looking like a gorilla.
I like to sit back and imagine the thought processes that the writer/director/producer went through.
writer/director/producer - "What can my new movie be about? Oh I know, I've got that script for Robocop Meets the Bunny Vampires that I've been working on. That's sure to be a hit! (reads over script) Let's see, hopping vampires, good. Robocop rip off, good, yellow paper dealy, good. There's still something missing. Ah, yeah, make one look like a monkey. He will be the head bunny vampire. Shhh, him legend"
This movie was the best/worst movie I have ever seen. I had literally no idea what was going on ever yet I could not tear my eyes away. There was something about drug runners and something about vampires, but when the vampires came out, they hopped around like bunnies. Later a man was killed and his superior officer had no problem with him being turned into a cyborg because the man that wanted to conduct the experiment could assure success.
Speaking of which, the transformation scene was a real nailbiter. Would the negative sign light up or would the plus finally break through and assure the success of the experiment? Luckily for us, the plus came through in the end.
I've already mentioned the monkey bunny vampire, but I negelected to mention his love interest. That's right, the monkey bunny vampire was in love with a "lady ghost". This was preposterous, not because she was a lady ghost and he was a monkey bunny vampire, but because he was from the East and she from the West.
There was also a group a mercenaries and a guy in a beret named Andy. Oh and Andy brought his sister on the mission.
I couldn't spoil this movie if I wanted to. The one thing I clearly remember is that lady ghost turned on monkey bunny vampire in the end and helped poor man's robocop kill him. Also, I think Andy might have died. Oh and lady ghost decided it would be a good career move to show her tits for this movie.
I suppose my favorite scene was the chase scene. This was a balls -to-the-wall chase scene of The French Connection proportions. Monkey Bunny Vampire was being pursued by the robot man. The bunny vampire hopped onto a covered bridge and the robot man (who moved like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz before he got oiled) followed him. This was shown in its entireity. Just a man in a gorilla mask hopping across a bridge with a man in a shiny suit limping along behind him. They were so proud of this scene that it was even shown on the DVD menu screen.
RoboVampire had such a profound affect on us that we decided to put the writer/director/producers other movie on our list of must-sees. I think it was called Devil's Doorknob or something.
The next official Beer and Bad Movie Night is still TBA, but I will be sure to post a full review. Until, I had better keep with my inadvertant theme of posting pictures of cute girls. So here you go - Jill Wagner - The Mercury Milan girl.
Die You Zombie Bastards? - check
Dragon Wars? - check
Manos, the Hands of Fate? - check
Santa Claus vs. the Martians? - check
Gingerdead Man? - not yet, but soon
Tongan Ninja? - check
Anyway, that's really just a short list of the crap I've waded through. As you may recall, to celebrate our shared masochistic interest, my British friend, Adam ("Why do you have to call me your 'British Friend'? Why can't I just be your friend?" he asks. "How else will people know I have a British friend?" I reply.) has started the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. On these randomly scheduled nights we get together, drink beer, and watch the lamest films since lame came to lame town.
A few weeks ago, Adam found us a gem. Robo Vampire. I don't really know what this movie is about. Apparently, in China, vampires are created when cocaine is put in their coffins and are controlled with pieces of yellow paper. Also, they hop. There is a long explanation on wikipedia if anyone is interested. I think it takes a lot of the fun out of the movie. There is also no mention of one of them looking like a gorilla.
I like to sit back and imagine the thought processes that the writer/director/producer went through.
writer/director/producer - "What can my new movie be about? Oh I know, I've got that script for Robocop Meets the Bunny Vampires that I've been working on. That's sure to be a hit! (reads over script) Let's see, hopping vampires, good. Robocop rip off, good, yellow paper dealy, good. There's still something missing. Ah, yeah, make one look like a monkey. He will be the head bunny vampire. Shhh, him legend"
This movie was the best/worst movie I have ever seen. I had literally no idea what was going on ever yet I could not tear my eyes away. There was something about drug runners and something about vampires, but when the vampires came out, they hopped around like bunnies. Later a man was killed and his superior officer had no problem with him being turned into a cyborg because the man that wanted to conduct the experiment could assure success.
Speaking of which, the transformation scene was a real nailbiter. Would the negative sign light up or would the plus finally break through and assure the success of the experiment? Luckily for us, the plus came through in the end.
I've already mentioned the monkey bunny vampire, but I negelected to mention his love interest. That's right, the monkey bunny vampire was in love with a "lady ghost". This was preposterous, not because she was a lady ghost and he was a monkey bunny vampire, but because he was from the East and she from the West.
There was also a group a mercenaries and a guy in a beret named Andy. Oh and Andy brought his sister on the mission.
I couldn't spoil this movie if I wanted to. The one thing I clearly remember is that lady ghost turned on monkey bunny vampire in the end and helped poor man's robocop kill him. Also, I think Andy might have died. Oh and lady ghost decided it would be a good career move to show her tits for this movie.
I suppose my favorite scene was the chase scene. This was a balls -to-the-wall chase scene of The French Connection proportions. Monkey Bunny Vampire was being pursued by the robot man. The bunny vampire hopped onto a covered bridge and the robot man (who moved like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz before he got oiled) followed him. This was shown in its entireity. Just a man in a gorilla mask hopping across a bridge with a man in a shiny suit limping along behind him. They were so proud of this scene that it was even shown on the DVD menu screen.
RoboVampire had such a profound affect on us that we decided to put the writer/director/producers other movie on our list of must-sees. I think it was called Devil's Doorknob or something.
The next official Beer and Bad Movie Night is still TBA, but I will be sure to post a full review. Until, I had better keep with my inadvertant theme of posting pictures of cute girls. So here you go - Jill Wagner - The Mercury Milan girl.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Assassin's Creed? Ha! More Like Assassin's Crap!
I've had about all I can take of this!
Assassin's Creed (Ubisoft) was released in the Fall of 2007 after months of teases and trailers and talk. I anxiously went to my local Gamestop and picked up a copy less than a week after it had been released. I supposed I should have suspected something when I was able to buy a used copy that soon after launch!
I won't lie, I sort of enjoyed the game at first. After all, I am a D&D geek with a penchant for playing the Rogue/Thief class. I've always been intrigued by the character lurking in the shadows planning out his next move to insure maximum damage to his opponent. This game seemed right up my ally. Combine that with the fact that Ubisoft makes the outstanding Prince of Persia series as well as Splinter Cell and how could Assassin's Creed fail?
They found a way.
Like I said, the game was somewhat fun at first. The controls are ambitious yet easy to get the hang of. The animation is gorgeous. The scenery is, while somewhat repetitive, beautiful. The game itself? Boring.
You play as Altaïr, and assassin from the 12th Century , or at least Ubisoft leads you to believe you do. You actually play as Desmond Miles as he remembers what his ancestor Altaïr did in his time. Convoluted enough?
It seems that some shadowy agency has kidnapped dear Des in an attmept to tap his encoded memories of Altair and do something. Ok, the frame story sucks. The inner plot had a lot of potential. Altair, master assassin - yet loose cannon, is stripped of his status and has to start over from low on the totem pole. Not all that original, kinda Metroid-y, but seems like fun. However, Ubisoft decided to to screw it all up and add a sci-fi element to it. My stance on sci-fi has always been "If it doesn't have lightsabers, I don't care about it". I've recently had to edit that to "If it doesn't have lightsabers or a ship named Serenity..."
Anyway, long story short, this game is BORING. You spend 9 missions doing the same thing over and over. I hope you like walking around through non-descript cities and getting attacked by a clone army of beggars and drunks only to find an old guy and kill him. I've heard people comment on the intuitive combat system. Is "press X to win" intuitive? That's all you do.
In the interest of fairness, I was going to drudge through this game and finish it. Maybe there was a clever plot point at the end but I decided to trade it in on Endless Ocean for my neice. Ok, I also got Devil May Cry 4 for myself - that is the opposite of Assassin's Creed.
The point of this blog is to question why (oh, why) this game is getting such good reviews. Almost every gamer magazine talks about how awesome this game is or how it's the future of gaming. All I can say is, if this is the future of gaming, I need to turn in my gamer badge now because I don't like what I see coming.
The only magazine that I thought gave an honest review of this turd of a game was EGM. That might have something to do with why I have subscribed to them for over 5 years now. Two of the three reviews gave it average scores. Crispin Boyer gave it the most honest review - a 4.5 out of 10. At least there is one honest gamer magazine on the market.
I do have a theory as to why this game got such good reviews. Two words. Jade Raymond. I think her job title is game designer/angel. Don't hold me to that. I do think that alot of game reviewers compromised their integrity over a pretty girl though. Now, I'm not going to knock Ms. Raymond. I'm sure she is very good at what she does, but something got lost in the translation on Assassin's Creed. Maybe Assassin's Creed 2 will be better. I'll wait and take Crispin's word for it though.
Assassin's Creed (Ubisoft) was released in the Fall of 2007 after months of teases and trailers and talk. I anxiously went to my local Gamestop and picked up a copy less than a week after it had been released. I supposed I should have suspected something when I was able to buy a used copy that soon after launch!
I won't lie, I sort of enjoyed the game at first. After all, I am a D&D geek with a penchant for playing the Rogue/Thief class. I've always been intrigued by the character lurking in the shadows planning out his next move to insure maximum damage to his opponent. This game seemed right up my ally. Combine that with the fact that Ubisoft makes the outstanding Prince of Persia series as well as Splinter Cell and how could Assassin's Creed fail?
They found a way.
Like I said, the game was somewhat fun at first. The controls are ambitious yet easy to get the hang of. The animation is gorgeous. The scenery is, while somewhat repetitive, beautiful. The game itself? Boring.
You play as Altaïr, and assassin from the 12th Century , or at least Ubisoft leads you to believe you do. You actually play as Desmond Miles as he remembers what his ancestor Altaïr did in his time. Convoluted enough?
It seems that some shadowy agency has kidnapped dear Des in an attmept to tap his encoded memories of Altair and do something. Ok, the frame story sucks. The inner plot had a lot of potential. Altair, master assassin - yet loose cannon, is stripped of his status and has to start over from low on the totem pole. Not all that original, kinda Metroid-y, but seems like fun. However, Ubisoft decided to to screw it all up and add a sci-fi element to it. My stance on sci-fi has always been "If it doesn't have lightsabers, I don't care about it". I've recently had to edit that to "If it doesn't have lightsabers or a ship named Serenity..."
Anyway, long story short, this game is BORING. You spend 9 missions doing the same thing over and over. I hope you like walking around through non-descript cities and getting attacked by a clone army of beggars and drunks only to find an old guy and kill him. I've heard people comment on the intuitive combat system. Is "press X to win" intuitive? That's all you do.
In the interest of fairness, I was going to drudge through this game and finish it. Maybe there was a clever plot point at the end but I decided to trade it in on Endless Ocean for my neice. Ok, I also got Devil May Cry 4 for myself - that is the opposite of Assassin's Creed.
The point of this blog is to question why (oh, why) this game is getting such good reviews. Almost every gamer magazine talks about how awesome this game is or how it's the future of gaming. All I can say is, if this is the future of gaming, I need to turn in my gamer badge now because I don't like what I see coming.
The only magazine that I thought gave an honest review of this turd of a game was EGM. That might have something to do with why I have subscribed to them for over 5 years now. Two of the three reviews gave it average scores. Crispin Boyer gave it the most honest review - a 4.5 out of 10. At least there is one honest gamer magazine on the market.
I do have a theory as to why this game got such good reviews. Two words. Jade Raymond. I think her job title is game designer/angel. Don't hold me to that. I do think that alot of game reviewers compromised their integrity over a pretty girl though. Now, I'm not going to knock Ms. Raymond. I'm sure she is very good at what she does, but something got lost in the translation on Assassin's Creed. Maybe Assassin's Creed 2 will be better. I'll wait and take Crispin's word for it though.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Beer and Bad Movie Night
My friends and I have a totally random special event called Beer and Bad Movie Night. The night involves - get this - Beer AND Bad Movies. It also involves a sleep over at the Beer and Bad Movie Night host's house. I'll give you a brief history of the night of nights and a recap of our first venture into the masochistic depths of Beer and Bad Movie Night.
My friend Robin married a British guy named Adam. Back over in his home country of The Shire (as we call it), he and his mates had a special weekend event where they would sit around drink beer and watch awful movies. When he moved over here to Future World (as he calls it), he brought the tradition with him.
Now these aren't bad movies on the level of "Gigli". These are movies with titles like "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" or "Tongan Ninja" - movies that are so bad that at some point they manage to become entertaining again. So you can't watch "Ishtar", you have to watch "Fatty Drives the Bus". That makes sense, right?
We've 0nly had one official meeting of the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. That night we started with "Shoot'em Up". In the end, it seems that this movie doesn't fit within the boundaries of Beer and Bad Movie Night seeing as how Michael, Adam, and I all agreed that this was the most awesome movie that was ever made and that it should be mandatory to have this movie tatooed onto your frontal lobe. This movie is nothing but action from beginning to end. This guy is after this baby but this other guy gets in the way and takes the baby to protect it. I'm not sure why, I just know that this is the equivalent of gun porn and is totally irreverent. This movie has gotten horrible reviews. I don't think the critics get it. It's obivious from the start that this movie does not take itself seriously and was just made to be a good, fun movies. Also, people get killed with carrots.
We followed up with Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter - a fantastically bad movie that tells the story of Lesbian-Abducting Vampires and the Savior who slays them. This movie contains the brillant line "We're running short on skin. We'll need to harvest more lesbians." That's probably enough said.
Next, we watched "Zombie Chronicles". That's all I'm going to say about that. It was Gigli-bad.
Finally, we caught a flick on Shotime called "2001 Maniacs". It was actually a pretty good movie and it starred possibly the hottest woman I've seen in a horror movie in the history of ever - Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! "2001 Maniacs" makes use of the old horror yarn of college kids on vacation that end up somewhere out of their element. These three college guys are headed to Florida for Spring Break when they end up taking a detour to a town that is seemingly lodged in the post Civil War 1800's. Of course, the townsfolk are insane. Along the way they meet a gay guy riding around with two HOT girls - one of them is none other than the Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! Anway, there is blood, gore, sex, racial insensitivities. All in all, its great!
After that, we went to sleep. I think I had four beers over the duration of the night. Adam had seven. Michael didn't have any because he was being paranoid and thought a beer would make him die. We woke up the next morning and watched the third installment of the new Star Wars Trilogy. Crap, what a bad movie!
Stay tuned for a review of the crappiest crap that's ever crapped a crap - AKA - Robo Vamp!
My friend Robin married a British guy named Adam. Back over in his home country of The Shire (as we call it), he and his mates had a special weekend event where they would sit around drink beer and watch awful movies. When he moved over here to Future World (as he calls it), he brought the tradition with him.
Now these aren't bad movies on the level of "Gigli". These are movies with titles like "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" or "Tongan Ninja" - movies that are so bad that at some point they manage to become entertaining again. So you can't watch "Ishtar", you have to watch "Fatty Drives the Bus". That makes sense, right?
We've 0nly had one official meeting of the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. That night we started with "Shoot'em Up". In the end, it seems that this movie doesn't fit within the boundaries of Beer and Bad Movie Night seeing as how Michael, Adam, and I all agreed that this was the most awesome movie that was ever made and that it should be mandatory to have this movie tatooed onto your frontal lobe. This movie is nothing but action from beginning to end. This guy is after this baby but this other guy gets in the way and takes the baby to protect it. I'm not sure why, I just know that this is the equivalent of gun porn and is totally irreverent. This movie has gotten horrible reviews. I don't think the critics get it. It's obivious from the start that this movie does not take itself seriously and was just made to be a good, fun movies. Also, people get killed with carrots.
We followed up with Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter - a fantastically bad movie that tells the story of Lesbian-Abducting Vampires and the Savior who slays them. This movie contains the brillant line "We're running short on skin. We'll need to harvest more lesbians." That's probably enough said.
Next, we watched "Zombie Chronicles". That's all I'm going to say about that. It was Gigli-bad.
Finally, we caught a flick on Shotime called "2001 Maniacs". It was actually a pretty good movie and it starred possibly the hottest woman I've seen in a horror movie in the history of ever - Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! "2001 Maniacs" makes use of the old horror yarn of college kids on vacation that end up somewhere out of their element. These three college guys are headed to Florida for Spring Break when they end up taking a detour to a town that is seemingly lodged in the post Civil War 1800's. Of course, the townsfolk are insane. Along the way they meet a gay guy riding around with two HOT girls - one of them is none other than the Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! Anway, there is blood, gore, sex, racial insensitivities. All in all, its great!
After that, we went to sleep. I think I had four beers over the duration of the night. Adam had seven. Michael didn't have any because he was being paranoid and thought a beer would make him die. We woke up the next morning and watched the third installment of the new Star Wars Trilogy. Crap, what a bad movie!
Stay tuned for a review of the crappiest crap that's ever crapped a crap - AKA - Robo Vamp!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A Valentine's Alternative
Ahh, Valentine's Day. The single most romantic corporate-generated holiday in the whole entire history of the world. I can just see it. Ten thousand years ago, a man sitting in a cave huddled over a fire thinking to himself, "What can Grog give Sally Ann for Love-Heart day? Me needs to express me feelings for she so me can pass along my heritage and carry on me line. Maybe, she like this stuffed muskrat me made from a dead muskrat. Women like stuffed thing don't they?"
Ahh, Valentine's Day man can buy a woman a teddy bear dressed up like a bank robber just like nature intended. And let's not forget the flowers. To paraphrase Demetri Martin, "Here now watch these die. That's how I feel about you." Or something really classy like a Pajama-gram. "Honey, I love you so much, I'd like to objectify you for an evening."
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with love or sex or love and sex, but does it have to be so expensive. It costs enough to have a significant other these days. Do we need an entire day set apart for the purchase of meals, flowers, candy, stuffed bank robbers and the like?
Sure, love has its place. We are after all a societal species. We've all been subject to feelings like "I just can't live with out him/her" and that is because in our prehistory, we couldn't. But imagine if 'love' had been as complicated in Grog's time as it has been made today. If Sally Ann wasn't taken with Grog's stuffed muskrat, he might just give up on love all together and said, "This too hard. Maybe Grog just be a happy bachelor and let line die with Grog." Of course, it was easier in Grogs time. Which reminds me of a joke - why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? Because they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud.
But I digress...
Where is the day set aside for single people? I demand a Geeky Loner's Day! A day where I can stay in my pajamas, eat pizza, watch movies, and play videos games all day. Alone. Yessir, that's the day for me.
I wouldn't require flowers.
I mean if you want want to send me Geeky Loner's Day Flowers, go right ahead. Geeky Loner's Day Flowers will be accepted but not requested.
I can't wait for Geeky Loner's Day this year. I will start the day with games, nothing but games. A good 5 hours of gaming will make anyone's day a little better. Then after I have developed eye strain, I will settle back in my bed and watch a good zombie movie, maybe something from the Romero canon. Or maybe something that isn't really good, but still entertaining like The Dead Next Door. After that, it will be time for lunch which will consist of Cheez-its and Diet Pepsi. And that's just the a.m. hours! I'm not even going to get into what will happen after lunch.
Oh, the possibilities are endless!
Ahh, Valentine's Day man can buy a woman a teddy bear dressed up like a bank robber just like nature intended. And let's not forget the flowers. To paraphrase Demetri Martin, "Here now watch these die. That's how I feel about you." Or something really classy like a Pajama-gram. "Honey, I love you so much, I'd like to objectify you for an evening."
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with love or sex or love and sex, but does it have to be so expensive. It costs enough to have a significant other these days. Do we need an entire day set apart for the purchase of meals, flowers, candy, stuffed bank robbers and the like?
Sure, love has its place. We are after all a societal species. We've all been subject to feelings like "I just can't live with out him/her" and that is because in our prehistory, we couldn't. But imagine if 'love' had been as complicated in Grog's time as it has been made today. If Sally Ann wasn't taken with Grog's stuffed muskrat, he might just give up on love all together and said, "This too hard. Maybe Grog just be a happy bachelor and let line die with Grog." Of course, it was easier in Grogs time. Which reminds me of a joke - why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? Because they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud.
But I digress...
Where is the day set aside for single people? I demand a Geeky Loner's Day! A day where I can stay in my pajamas, eat pizza, watch movies, and play videos games all day. Alone. Yessir, that's the day for me.
I wouldn't require flowers.
I mean if you want want to send me Geeky Loner's Day Flowers, go right ahead. Geeky Loner's Day Flowers will be accepted but not requested.
I can't wait for Geeky Loner's Day this year. I will start the day with games, nothing but games. A good 5 hours of gaming will make anyone's day a little better. Then after I have developed eye strain, I will settle back in my bed and watch a good zombie movie, maybe something from the Romero canon. Or maybe something that isn't really good, but still entertaining like The Dead Next Door. After that, it will be time for lunch which will consist of Cheez-its and Diet Pepsi. And that's just the a.m. hours! I'm not even going to get into what will happen after lunch.
Oh, the possibilities are endless!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
PS3 and Kristin Holt - a dangerous combo
I've said for quite some time now that I was NOT going to spend my hard earned money on Sony's shiny, new box. I already own a 360 and its a dream machine. What more could I need? However, something came over me this past Sunday. I was watching the new and improved X-Play on G4 when the lovely, chisled out of perfect, Kristen Holt came on to give her cheating advice. This installment was about Uncharted: Drake's Fortune for the PS3.
The game looked great and I immediately checked my bank account to see if I could afford the aforementioned shiny box. Now this was not the first time that information given to me by a beautiful woman has had me checking my wallet, but this was possibly the most expensive time.
Kristin lulled me into submission and it was not 15 minutes later that I was on the phone with my friend Michael.
"Hey man, what are you doing today?" I asked.
"Nothing planned" he replied. "Why?"
"I'm thinking about going to the video game shop, wanted to see if you wanted to go."
"Sure, c'mon"
Notice I didn't say - "I'm thinking about buying a PS3". I still thought there was a chance to talk myself out of the purchase. It is, after all, a 30 min ride to the closest video game shop. However, Kristin was having none of that! By the time I got to Michael's apartment, I was fully convinced that the PS3 was for me. In fact I walked in the door of his apartment and said, "You sir, are about to witness the most expensive impulse buy in my 31-year history. I'm getting a PS3."
I'm sure Kristin Holt was sitting back in where ever she lives and smiling. Her feminine wiles had brought about the downfall of another gamer geeks bank account!
So off the Best Buy we went. Now, I know that Best Buy isn't a 'video game shop' but honestly, I didn't have the patience to deal with the dork brigrade at our local GameStops.
(Sample GameStop Conversations)
"Now, I don't want the 80Gig version."
"Because I can't imagine ever needing that much space"
"Yes, I want Uncharted and no, I don't care if its Tomb Raider without boobs."
"Oh really? Beat Halo on Legendary, eh? Well, I've touched a boob. How you like them apples?"
Anyway, $492.16 later, I was the proud owner of a PS3 and Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I think I heard Kristin laugh as I swiped my debit card. "This is all your fault, Kristin." I said to myself. So, we proceeded back to Michaels' and hooked the system up and after 6 straight hours of gaming, I finally went home. I was also no longer angry with sweet Kristin, she had done well to charm me into making this purchase. I'll post more of a review of the system and Uncharted in the coming weeks.
Attention Morgan Webb - Wait a couple of weeks before you use your charms to talk me into buying a Wii. Gotta let the funds build back up, babe.
The game looked great and I immediately checked my bank account to see if I could afford the aforementioned shiny box. Now this was not the first time that information given to me by a beautiful woman has had me checking my wallet, but this was possibly the most expensive time.
Kristin lulled me into submission and it was not 15 minutes later that I was on the phone with my friend Michael.
"Hey man, what are you doing today?" I asked.
"Nothing planned" he replied. "Why?"
"I'm thinking about going to the video game shop, wanted to see if you wanted to go."
"Sure, c'mon"
Notice I didn't say - "I'm thinking about buying a PS3". I still thought there was a chance to talk myself out of the purchase. It is, after all, a 30 min ride to the closest video game shop. However, Kristin was having none of that! By the time I got to Michael's apartment, I was fully convinced that the PS3 was for me. In fact I walked in the door of his apartment and said, "You sir, are about to witness the most expensive impulse buy in my 31-year history. I'm getting a PS3."
I'm sure Kristin Holt was sitting back in where ever she lives and smiling. Her feminine wiles had brought about the downfall of another gamer geeks bank account!
So off the Best Buy we went. Now, I know that Best Buy isn't a 'video game shop' but honestly, I didn't have the patience to deal with the dork brigrade at our local GameStops.
(Sample GameStop Conversations)
"Now, I don't want the 80Gig version."
"Because I can't imagine ever needing that much space"
"Yes, I want Uncharted and no, I don't care if its Tomb Raider without boobs."
"Oh really? Beat Halo on Legendary, eh? Well, I've touched a boob. How you like them apples?"
Anyway, $492.16 later, I was the proud owner of a PS3 and Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I think I heard Kristin laugh as I swiped my debit card. "This is all your fault, Kristin." I said to myself. So, we proceeded back to Michaels' and hooked the system up and after 6 straight hours of gaming, I finally went home. I was also no longer angry with sweet Kristin, she had done well to charm me into making this purchase. I'll post more of a review of the system and Uncharted in the coming weeks.
Attention Morgan Webb - Wait a couple of weeks before you use your charms to talk me into buying a Wii. Gotta let the funds build back up, babe.
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