We're off the see the Izzard

Well, the day finally arrived. June 3, 2008. My birthday. My 32nd birthday. For 32 long years, I've walked this earth and...uh...done...um...stuff. More importantly though, June 3, 2008 was the day I got to take a trip to Memphis and see none other than Mr. Eddie Izzard.

My British friend Adam (see the RoboVampire post) exposed to me Eddie Izzard about a year ago and the first part of this year he landed tickets to see Izzard in Memphis and the US leg of his Stripped tour.

I'm not going to pretend like I know all about Eddie Izzard and give some kind of life story. Really all I know is that he dresses in drag and is funny as hell. The latter was no exception last night. The former however was.

When he first came out on stage I was, to say, a little shocked. Gone was the vinyl looking pants suit dealy (I don't know anything about transvestite clothing either), the earrings, the makeup. There he stood in jeans and a jacket (granted the jacket did have tails and a bright red lining) and my initial thought was "why isn't he in drag?" but after about 10 seconds it didn't matter.

Eddie Izzard doesn't need the drag to be funny (although it is funny) all he needs is whatever operates that mind of his. From dinosaurs in church to giraffes subtly warning each other about lions to people communicating in Latin to Moses lighting bushes on fire in the hope that God would talk to him again, Izzard didn't miss a beat.

All in all it was a great show made all the better because I got to eat awesome BBQ. Can't go wrong there.

Beer and Bad Movie Night Part...Oh God, what part is this?

Beer and Bad Movie night came upon us again a couple of weeks ago. We started out the evening but buying a pizza the size of a helicopter blade and heading over to Michael's to begin the festivities.

No for any new readers, which I can only assume there are none, Beer and Bad Movie Night was explained a few posts ago, but I'll sum it up again real quick. My friends and I rent/buy/download awful movies and drink beer and watch them. Make sense? Then I recap them in this blog.

This installment consisted of Evil Bong, Live Feed, and Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace.

Evil Bong (recommended by NOTLP) wasn't something I would ever call good. It was, however, damn entertaining. You have you typical 'college' roommates (think PCU). One is the proverbial lifelong student, surfer dude, the jock, and of course, the nerd. I believe these are the characters Joseph Campbell deemed integral to any story about possessed marijuana smoking devices.

So as the old yarn goes, one of the guys orders a bong out of the classifieds of High Times magazine. The description even mentions that the bong is possessed. This is apparently a selling point, but I guess it is better than smoking pot out of a human skull. So the bong is delivered and hilarity ensues.

It would seem that when you smoke from the evil bong (EB for short) it pulls a Ted Raimi and 'swallows your soul'. Once your soul is swallowed, you then reside in the bong where strippers breasts kill you. All in all not a bad way to go.

Everyone but the nerd get sucked into this wonderland and the nerd (being a nerd) decides he needs to 'rescue' them from this 'hell'. Long story short, Tommy Chong comes in and reveals that he is EB's previous owner and sacrifices himself to live in the bong so that the others may go free.

This movie gave me a certain nostalgia for my college days. I wasn't a pot head or anything. I think it just made me miss being a slacker whose day was done at 11:00 am every day.

In a bizarre coincidence, the jock's girlfriend was played by Robin Sydney whom you may remember was my obscure hot girl a few posts back. She was also the best thing about the movie The Lost.

Also, Bill Mosely had a bit role.

At this point in the evening, we dove into the pizza. Mmmmm 21' Butcher Shop pizza.

Next was Ryan Nicholson's Live Feed. What total crap! I won't even waste space with a full synopsis. Some gross people went to a gross place in China and were subsequently killed. I knew this movie was bad going in and that's the point of Beer and Bad Movie Night, but this almost killed the evening. Ryan Nicholson blows goats. I'm sure I didn't like this movie because I saw the censored version.

We trudged on and finally got to see Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace - from the same crew that brought us Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I love these guys. I believe they are called Odessa Filmworks (I can't be bothered to do research).

Adam, Michael, and I watched in awe as Harry Knuckles aka Spanish Fly bravely took on a bionic bigfoot that was trying to steal a pearl necklace only to be double crossed for some reason. Later, there was a wrestling match featuring Santos. Then there was an awesome scene of a buxom woman running in slow motion to the tune of a song about breasts. How awesome is that?

Ok, so this movie is a little long. At some point I lost total track of what was going on and I also got really sleepy. I blame that on Ryan Nicholson though.

This movie is the epitome of what I like about bad movies. Its self referential nature, its sticking shamelessly to cliches, its purposefully cheesey lines (after beating two punks with fish on stringer, Harry says "Smells like fish...tastes like PAIN"). It's what should make the world go 'round.

This Beer and Bad Movie Night was kinda lackluster. I enjoyed Evil Bong too much, Live Feed was too bad, but Harry Knuckles was a saving grace. Anyway, I've droned on long enough so I will leave you with a hot obscure girl. I guess we will go with Kristyn Green from Evil Bong. She played Janet, the nerd's love interest.

Next time, we are watching Blood Car and Nude for Satan. Not sure what else is on the agenda, but I'll keep you posted.

Champions of Good Taste in the Horror Industry

I can still remember it. It was a little over a year ago. I was browsing through iTunes looking for something to listen to on a roadtrip with my family. My great aunt had just passed away and I needed something to take the edge off the three hour drive.

After somewhat of a hiatus, my love of horror had come back with a vengence. This time in the form of books and short stories, so I was initially browsing for some audio books. I typed horror into search box on iTunes and got a list of things horror related. I couldn't really find a book that jumped out at me, so I turned to podcasts. After wading through what seemed like a neverending abyss of horror related podcasts, I happened upon Night of the Living Podcast (NOTLP). A podcast named after one of my favorite zombie movies. I figured it was worth a shot so, I downloaded the most recent episode.

I had downloaded another podcast called Pod of Horror that was about horror literature and since that was what I was into, I listened to that on the way the the funeral.

On the way home, I tried NOTLP. The show was really hard to listen to at first. At any one time there were upwards of 6 - 8 people talking at once and to make matters worse, they were talking about Python. ...the hell? But, ever resilent, I sallied forth. By the end of the show, I had managed to associate everyone's voice with a name and my ears had managed to gain a foothold on what the show was about. The show was actually mostly about subpar, shitty movies and the incessent off-topic banter was part of the shows charm! Ingenious!

I immediately went home, fired up the old iTunes, and subscribed to the podcast. I went back and got as many old episodes as I could and I've been a dedicated listener ever since.

The show is based out of Cincinnati, OH and is one of the most refreshing podcasts I've ever listened to. NOTLP has gone through some changes. Over the past two years, some crew members have left and some new members have joined up, but it nevertheless remains entertaining and sometimes even informative.

The show opens with what is usually my favorite segment - Pointless Banter. This is where the gang talk about their week or crewmember Freddy rambles on hilariously off tangent. The News usually comes next and crewmember Amy fearlessly leads us through the stories that she found interesting on various horror related sites on the Interweb. Straight-to-Video-Russian-Roulette (STVRR) is next. This is the segment that I am eternally grateful for. The crew takes a bullet for us here. Each week they draw cards and the lowest card has to watch a film that bypassed theaters and went Straight to Video. Thanks to STVRR, I've been turned on to countless films for my gang's Beer and Bad Movie Nights. There is usually a Feature segment where the crew talks about a new movie or a classic movie or just a cult favorite. There is also occasionally gay porn reviews (The Porner) courtesy of crewmember Andy.

NOTLP brings an honesty to their reviews that is really hard to find any where else. They really pull no punches. If a movie sucks, they tell you it sucks and why it sucks and will occasionally belittle the director, writer, producer, gaffer, best boy, boom operator, and catering. You really can't beat it! Their dedication to keeping the horror genre safe from shitty directors and shitty writers is one of the crew's standout qualities.

So, if you haven't, go and check out Night of the Living Podcast at http://www.notlp.com/ or http://www.bestpodcastever.com/ (ballsy, I know). Check out the show, check out the new website and if you like em, send em some cash at the donate button. The show is free for us but not for them!

TCM vs TC-Meh

Horrr night rolled around again this past weekend. Bill, Michael, and I had already decided at our Halloween compare/contrast that our next installment would be a Texas Chainsaw Massacre compare and contrast. I may sound like I am repeating myself but I'm actually not. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is my favorite horror movie. About two blogs ago, John Carpenter's Halloween was my favorite horror flick, but after rewatching Texas Chainsaw it has been bumped up to number 1, leaving Halloween a not-so-distant number 2.

So Saturday found us settling in Bill's Blair Witch Basement in front of the the warm glow of the projector and the great narration (by John Larroquette) and creepy, ambient opening soundtrack to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Ahh, the original Chainsaw. How I do love thee. This movie blows my mind. How could someone with essentially nothing, make such a damn good horror movie? Tobe Hooper, you sir, are a genius!

Chainsaw has two of my favorite scenes in horror movies ever. The first is when Dude #1 or whatever the first victim's name is runs into the house. With a pig-like squeal, Leatherface clubs him with the sledgehammer. His body starts spasming - just like the hithchiker had described before. Leatherface drags the body out of the doorway and slams the sliding door shut.

Pure Classic!

The second is at the end when a frustrated Leatherface does the "Chainsaw Dance" in the rising morning sun as Sally escapes in the back of a pickup. To me, this has to me one of the most iconic scenes in horror.

The story is seamless. Kids on a trip. Kids find themselves out of their element. Kids are systematically killed off one by one by homocidal, cannibalistic maniac. Everyone dies except for Sally, the survivor girl (thanks Leslie Vernon) and I think its safe to say that she will never be the same.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre gets in your head. Even the most desenitized horror fans I know are still scared by this movie in some way. I'll admit it. I own this movie. I've seen it dozens of times. After watching it the other night, I felt less than safe when I went outside. The images you see are not brutal or actually violent by today's standards, but they are twisted all the same. This movie was made when people still knew how to make scary movies. There was nothing supernatural. There was no over-the-top gore. There were no hulking, pro-wrestler type playing the villian. There were young people (mostly nameless), there was a problem (van ran out of gas), there were the crazies (just your average ordinary everyday crazy people - well, ok, one did wear the skin of his victims as a mask).

Movies today depend too much on effects and violence and completely disregard psychology.

Speaking of...

The next movie we watched was Michael Bay's remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I will go on the record and say that this film wasn't awful. It had its high points (two of them were under Jessica Biel's tanktop). But as a whole, the movie did nothing for me. It was basically a neutral event.

The remake followed the same basic premise of the original. Instead of going to visit an old family house, the kids were going to a Lynyrd Skynyrd show. They don't pick up a crazy hitchiker that is actually a member of the antagonist's family. They pick up a girl that is in shock and clearly a victim of Leatherface and his ilk. They don't run out of gas, the hitchiker blows her brains out, setting up the most forced camera shot all of moviedom - a zoom out through a self-inflicted head wound and out the shatter back glass of a 1970s Dodge van. Anyway, the girl shooting herself forces them to stop in the vicinity of Leatherface. Oh yeah, and the Franklin character is no longer wheel chair bound, but actually more annoying.

Actually, I don't remember much of the action or the order of deaths in this movie. None of them stood out aside from Jessica Biel's character having to put a friend out of his misery by stabbing him in the gut. I also vividly remember that they ruined my favorite scene with MTV style editing and jumpcuts.

While the original was an outstanding movie and burns itself into you psyche, the remake is just fluff. Like I said, I didn't hate this flick, but I have no intentions of ever watching it again. It was all gore and no horror. Even the jump scares were ineffective.

Ok, I guess I'll wrap it up. The post's babe isn't obscure, but DAMN - Jessica Biel.

Two Wonderful Days of Wilco in New Orleans

My friend Bill G. called me in mid-January and said "Guess who is coming to New Orleans?" Bill is kinda vague like that. I mean honestly, it could be anyone. My first guess was Englebert Humperdink, but I didnt know why I was supposed to be excited by that. I mean, Bill is a fan, but I've always found Englebert Humperdink to be more of a tedious Tom Jones than attention grabbing Wayne Newton.

Anyway, I couldn't guess.

Bill finally told me. "WILCO~!"

To which I responded, "When do we leave?"

Bill said, "That's not the only thing..."

"What more is there? What more could there possibly be?"

"John Doe is opening."

When I woke up I was looking at the underside of my kitchen table.

Ok, so that was maybe a bit exaggerated, but the point of the story is that in January, Bill and I procured tickets to see Wilco and John Doe on back-to-back nights at Tipitina's in New Orleans in early March. Well, those days in March have come and gone and I'm finally getting around to writing about it.

Wilco is a band that is really hard to categorize. So hard to categorize that when they came to my neck of the woods (Meridian, MS), Bill and I went on whim. Neither of us new much about them, but I mean, really, not much goes on around here and, hey, a show's a show, right? That was 2006 and I left that show a changed man.

Bill and I have seen some form of Wilco every year since, but enough backstory - let's blog in the now!

Bill and I had a pretty uneventful trip to New Orleans. He grew up there so there wasn't much chance of getting lost or anything. Well scratch that, he did tell me at one point "I don't really know where we are" but we got to the hotel unscathed.

Tipitina's in small, but really cool. I stuck to my concert M.O. of finding a spot in the middle of the floor in the middle of the building and not moving. I wasn't there to drink. I wasn't there to chase skirts. I was there to see Wilco.

John Doe took the stage at exactly 10:00 pm and put on an awesome show. I wasn't a huge fan of John Doe before this night, but now I am. At one point, he even called Nels Cline on stage to play lap steel. That was kind of amazing.

Wilco took the stage at 11:00. Their setlists never cease to amaze me. Most bands want to blast out of the gates with an upbeat number. Wilco started with "Was I in Your Dreams?" a slow, almost waltz-ish song. Somehow they can pull stuff like that off.

I'm not even going to pretend like I remember every song they played. I will say that I knew every song they played and every song they played was awesome. "At Least That's What You Said" and "Impossible Germany" really stand out in my mind, but I really think the highlight was seeing bassist John Stiratt's father sitting in the balcony not just smiling, but beaming as his son played.

I think that is what is so special about Wilco. They have a "human quality" that other bands don't. Sure there music is amazing. Sure there live shows are beyond comparison. But when you get right down to it, what makes Wilco so special is Wilco. I don't know any of them, but they seem like a personable bunch of guys. After you see them live, you feel kinda like they are your friends.

The show wrapped up 1:00 am that morning with my single favorite Wilco song, "Monday". Oh, and did I mention that they had a horn section? I think this show made me smarter and I'm pretty sure my soul left my body at one point.

Bill and I waited outside in the cold for one of the three cabs that was working the neighborhood, but we finally got back to our room. I had bought a Wilco at Tipitina's poster, a Tshirt, and a Wilco Now. bumper sticker. Maybe I went a little overboard. Who cares?

We went back to Tip's the next night and caught the show again. This time John Doe not only called Nels Cline on stage to play lap steel, he also called him to play lead on a fret melting version of The Stones' 'Gimmie Shelter'. "OH MY GOD! NELS CLINE AND JOHN DOE ARE PLAYING A ROLLING STONES SONG!" Bill said.

Both band put on pretty much the same show so Bill and I decided to be a little more relaxed. We found a nice spot near the door (and near the bar). I think Bill might have been a little too close to the bar though. He kept disappearing and reappearing with a beer in each hand.

A guy standing next to me said with a little disdain, "They are playing the same shit they played last night." I looked at him and said "I don't mind at all".

Wilco ended with "Monday" again and we went back into the cold the wait on a cab. While we stood on the curb, Pat Sansone (Wilco's multi-instrumentalist) stepped out the front door right next to us. Bill and I both yelled "Pat!" He turned and waved. "I yelled Stretch Armstrong!" and he gave me a grin.

So it wasn't much conversation, we still kinda met someone famous!

Oh the way home, it became obvious how much beer Bill had had that night. I looked over at him just in time to see him vomiting on his shirt. I kept watching him from the corner of my eye as he tried to play it off, leaning against the door of the cab, his shirt glistening with puke. It was somehow gross and funny at the same time.

All in all it was a good show and a good trip and I would do it again in a minute. Well, except for the puke part. That part I would not do again.

Obscure babe time - Jacky Reres plays Lynn Blodgett in Kevin Kangas's Fear of Clowns I and II. The movies are alright. Ok, well actually the first one is awful, but the second is pretty entertaining. Jacky has that special something. I can't really describe it, but I think she's pretty gorgeous.

Razzle Frazzle - BaBMN 3 - Night of the Sleepys

The third installment of Beer and Bad Movie Night took place recently and I don't know if there are words to describe it. Adam picked some real gems this time. We started with Hitman (garbage), followed it with The Alien Dead (bizarre and awful), after that came Horror of the Blood Monsters (space vampire cavemen!), and we finished up with Lady Terminator (sexy?).

Before I jump into the synopses, let me tell you about my days prior to this event. I had spent the Saturday before in Petal, MS (about 100 mi from where I live) playing with our local show choir. I know it sounds silly, but it pays well. That next week, I had spent three days New Orleans. (My next blog will be about this). I returned that Thursday for two hell-like days a work. Finally, on the day of Beer and Bad Movie Night, I had to perform with the show choir again. Needless to say, when Adam arrives at Michael's with the movies, I was exhausted. Luckily, Adam had brought supplies in the form of disgusting energy drinks. He had a Steven Seagal drink that I am pretty sure was created when someone squeezed Seagal's sweat rag into an old beer can. That's what it tasted like at least. The other one I tried tasted more like cat pee strained through a pair of dirty boxers.

Adam and I went to the store and secured the snacks and the beer. Then we went to Nick & Al's where Adam bought a pizza that a was possibly the size of the rear propeller on a helicopter. I got a medium Margarita pizza (yum!) and we started the movies.

Again, I find myself not even being able to sum up Hitman, but I'll try. Let's see....Ok, here we go. It was about a hitman. There was shooting and guns. Maybe explosions. There was also some running and jumping. The End.

Next was The Alien Dead. The Alien Dead is a prime example of what Beer and Bad Movie Night is all about. Mindless plot, ridiculous acting, retarded characters. This movie centered around a reporter in a small town that was investigating a rash of killings in the area. The killings are of course the work of zombies. For some reason, the police in the town are covering this up. They want everyone to think that a rogue alligator is killing everyone. Nothing is ever done about anything and I guess the zombies get to run wild on the town forever. Also, the meteor that crashed to earth and made the zombies was actually just a dude with a sparkler.

Horror of the Blood Monsters was next. I actually think I followed this movie...sort of. The story starts with long narration about vampires plaguing the earth and then, without so much as an explanation, cuts to a rocket on a launch pad and the most lovable grumpy old man in the world. He was a doctor of some type, but I forget his name. I dub him Dr. Razzle Frazzle because that is what it looked like he was saying or at least thinking in every shot regardless of the emotion he was exhibiting. Angry - RAZZLE FRAZZLE. Happy - Razzle Frazzle. Sad - razzle frazzle. Arousment - raZZle fraZZle. Anyway, after a couple of scares on lift off, the rockets makes it in to the far reaches of space. Oh and "the far reaches of space" must be really close to Earth because these guys were on another planet in mere moments. There was some kind of trouble with the ship and the crew was forced to bring her down on an uncharted planet with a bizarre, color changing atmosphere. This planet is full of vampire cavemen and hot cave girls and alligators with fins glued to their backs that walk around tiny rocks to make themselves look bigger.

Anyway, like I said, once the crew lands on this planet the film starts changing color. After a little research, we found that Al Adamson (the "director") actually stuck three movies together t make this one. Let me say that one more time.

"THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY THREE MOVIES IN ONE".

Adamson made the movie with the astronauts in the rocket himself and combined it with two pre-existing Phillipino movies - one about cavemen and the other about vampires. Unfortunately, the caveman movie was in black and white so he worked in the atmospheric color shifts. So to paraphrase my former college roommate no matter what is going on, if the cavemen or finned alligators or cavebabes are on screen the film is "RED, BLUE, or GREEN"! I was impressed that they at least explained this in the film. I don't remember the explanation but they explained it and even added the fact that the red atomphere made them sick.

I don't actually know how this movie ends. I think they all die. Not sure. All I know is that there was a cave girl in a black skirt kinda dealy and she was hot and she learned English fast. I know at least some people die and Dr. Razzle Frazzle got sad (razzle frazzle). Also, sex was had, but sex involved hoses and pipes and flashing lights and not much...well, not much sex. It was more like they were trying to create a RoboVampire. Like I said, during the scene - "That's sex?! If that's sex, I'll have none of it!"

Lady Terminator tells the story of a girl with an eel in her vagina or as we called it a pussy eel. I will refrain from calling it that because 1) I would like to keep my G rating for this blog and 2) I don't know what it was supposed to be so I really don't need to mention it again.

Ok, I'll have to mention it one more time. Some dude has sex with this woman and steals her pussy eel (now I'm done) and oh, does she get mad. So mad that she curses a descendant of his 100 years later. Thats seemed rather passive/aggressive.

"Oh, you make me so mad. I'm gonna make your cousin's life a living hell!"

So, cut to the agreed upon 100 years later, and an anthropologist/archeologist/poofy haired, hot 80s babe catches the curse and starts killing people. That's honestly all I remember other than the fact that the Lady Terminator looked pretty good in tights.

Alright, so its obvious that I need to get better sleep and pay closer attention to the films for Beer and Bad Movie Night next time. Still we had a good time and I had enough energy drink to elevate my heart rate to that of a super cheetah, which as you know is seldom seen but has the fastest known heartrate in the universe. Anyway, hopefully next time we can watch The Gingerdead Man and Plankton.

For my obscure hot babe this time, I've chosen Robin Sydney (raZZle fraZZle). She played Katherine in the awful movie The Lost based on Jack Ketchum's awesome book. Read the book, skip the movie.

Halloween vs Hallo-whaaat?

John Carpenter's Halloween has been my favorite horror/slasher movie since the first time I saw when I was 12 or 13 years old. Michael Myers just embodies faceless evil and the setting (suburbian Illinois) is an outstanding contrast to what is going on in the film. Honestly, I was really excited when I heard that Rob Zombie was remaking what I feel is the originator of the slasher genre. I thought House of 1000 Corspes was really entertaining and The Devil's Rejects was way scarier than it had any right to be. However, in thinking about those two movies, I came to a forboding revelation - "Oh crap, he's going to miss the point."

My friend Bill C. had recently purchased a projector and thought it would be a good idea to watch horror movies in his basement - an event now deemed "Horror Night". I, of course, jumped at the idea. We were discussing what movies we could watch decided that a compare and contrast of Halloween (1978) and Halloween (2007) sounded like a good plan. I hadn't seen the the remake and had to admit I was slightly curious.

The night started with John Carpenter's Halloween. Bill and I had both already seen it. Michael was a newbie. I can't say enough about this movie. Sure it was filmed in 1978 and sure all the stuff that happens in the movie are clichè here in the 21st century, but this stuff was wholly original in 1978. I'm assuming the 2 - 5 people that read this blog already know the story of John Carpenter's Halloween, but I will do a basic synopsis anyway.

In the beginning of the movie, on Halloween 1963, young Michael Myers brutally kills his sister, Judith. in Haddonfield, IL and is put into a mental institution. Fifteen years later (again on Halloween) he breaks out, returns to Haddonfield and ceaselessly stalks Laurie Strode, a young baby sitter that at the time seems to be a totally random victim. Michael kills a couple of Laurie's friends, but when he finally makes his move for Laurie, Dr. Loomis (the Ahab) is there. He shoots Michael six times in the heart and Michael falls off a balcony to the ground below. However, when Loomis goes to the balcony himself, Michael's body is gone!

This movie gets to me because it is plausible. Michael Myers isn't an undead tank like Jason Vorhees neither is he a wisecracking, dream inhabiting sociopath like Freddie Kruegar. He is just your average, ordinary, every day killer. There was nothing in his childhood that would have given away what he would become. The little bit of back story makes it seem like the Myers were an average, ordinary, everyday family living in the suburbs. Michael Myers could have been your next door neighbor.

Another thing about this movie that gets overlooked it that it takes place on Halloween. No one is really that bothered by a man in a rubber mask or a screaming girl on Halloween. The fact that Michael is able to stalk around in the daylight is an eerie thought and when he chases Laurie onto a neighbor's porch, the blinds are quickly closed and the lights turned off by what is surely its prank weary inhabitants. Basically, its the subtle, psychological horror that gets in you John Carpenter's Halloween.

And now for something completely different...

Rob Zombie apparently decided that Carpenter was too subtle and decided to go in-your-face for his reimagining. In Zombie's version, the Myers household is not the seemingly normal surburban family, it's a white trash hell hole. Everyone in the story is transmuted into an asshole, a bitch, or a whore. That's not to say that some of the girls in the original didn't have loose morals, but the girls in this flick are of a totally different color.

I'm not going to recap this film (this entry has gone on for long enough) but in the end, I was right. Rob Zombie totally missed the point. Michael Myers is a psycho, but he's not a gigantic, mindless killing machine. There is a method to his madness. Zombie should have just made an entirely new movie with an entirely new killer instead of sullying the name of the genre's originator.

I think Rob Zombie is a very talented director and he has done some great things in his movies, but he is not a storyteller and ultimately that's what you need to make a good horror movie.

One thing I can say for Rob Zombie's version is that it reintroduced me to Danielle Harris. When I was watching the Halloween sequels when I was younger I had the biggest crush on young Jaime Myers. Well, thanks to Rob Zombie I've found out that we've both grown up and I still have a crush on her! She is my obscure hot girl of the day!

Robo Vampire - Beer and Bad Movie Night: Part Deux

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter? - check
Die You Zombie Bastards? - check
Dragon Wars? - check
Manos, the Hands of Fate? - check
Santa Claus vs. the Martians? - check
Gingerdead Man? - not yet, but soon
Tongan Ninja? - check

Anyway, that's really just a short list of the crap I've waded through. As you may recall, to celebrate our shared masochistic interest, my British friend, Adam ("Why do you have to call me your 'British Friend'? Why can't I just be your friend?" he asks. "How else will people know I have a British friend?" I reply.) has started the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. On these randomly scheduled nights we get together, drink beer, and watch the lamest films since lame came to lame town.

A few weeks ago, Adam found us a gem. Robo Vampire. I don't really know what this movie is about. Apparently, in China, vampires are created when cocaine is put in their coffins and are controlled with pieces of yellow paper. Also, they hop. There is a long explanation on wikipedia if anyone is interested. I think it takes a lot of the fun out of the movie. There is also no mention of one of them looking like a gorilla.

I like to sit back and imagine the thought processes that the writer/director/producer went through.

writer/director/producer - "What can my new movie be about? Oh I know, I've got that script for Robocop Meets the Bunny Vampires that I've been working on. That's sure to be a hit! (reads over script) Let's see, hopping vampires, good. Robocop rip off, good, yellow paper dealy, good. There's still something missing. Ah, yeah, make one look like a monkey. He will be the head bunny vampire. Shhh, him legend"

This movie was the best/worst movie I have ever seen. I had literally no idea what was going on ever yet I could not tear my eyes away. There was something about drug runners and something about vampires, but when the vampires came out, they hopped around like bunnies. Later a man was killed and his superior officer had no problem with him being turned into a cyborg because the man that wanted to conduct the experiment could assure success.

Speaking of which, the transformation scene was a real nailbiter. Would the negative sign light up or would the plus finally break through and assure the success of the experiment? Luckily for us, the plus came through in the end.

I've already mentioned the monkey bunny vampire, but I negelected to mention his love interest. That's right, the monkey bunny vampire was in love with a "lady ghost". This was preposterous, not because she was a lady ghost and he was a monkey bunny vampire, but because he was from the East and she from the West.

There was also a group a mercenaries and a guy in a beret named Andy. Oh and Andy brought his sister on the mission.

I couldn't spoil this movie if I wanted to. The one thing I clearly remember is that lady ghost turned on monkey bunny vampire in the end and helped poor man's robocop kill him. Also, I think Andy might have died. Oh and lady ghost decided it would be a good career move to show her tits for this movie.

I suppose my favorite scene was the chase scene. This was a balls -to-the-wall chase scene of The French Connection proportions. Monkey Bunny Vampire was being pursued by the robot man. The bunny vampire hopped onto a covered bridge and the robot man (who moved like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz before he got oiled) followed him. This was shown in its entireity. Just a man in a gorilla mask hopping across a bridge with a man in a shiny suit limping along behind him. They were so proud of this scene that it was even shown on the DVD menu screen.

RoboVampire had such a profound affect on us that we decided to put the writer/director/producers other movie on our list of must-sees. I think it was called Devil's Doorknob or something.

The next official Beer and Bad Movie Night is still TBA, but I will be sure to post a full review. Until, I had better keep with my inadvertant theme of posting pictures of cute girls. So here you go - Jill Wagner - The Mercury Milan girl.

Assassin's Creed? Ha! More Like Assassin's Crap!

I've had about all I can take of this!

Assassin's Creed (Ubisoft) was released in the Fall of 2007 after months of teases and trailers and talk. I anxiously went to my local Gamestop and picked up a copy less than a week after it had been released. I supposed I should have suspected something when I was able to buy a used copy that soon after launch!

I won't lie, I sort of enjoyed the game at first. After all, I am a D&D geek with a penchant for playing the Rogue/Thief class. I've always been intrigued by the character lurking in the shadows planning out his next move to insure maximum damage to his opponent. This game seemed right up my ally. Combine that with the fact that Ubisoft makes the outstanding Prince of Persia series as well as Splinter Cell and how could Assassin's Creed fail?

They found a way.

Like I said, the game was somewhat fun at first. The controls are ambitious yet easy to get the hang of. The animation is gorgeous. The scenery is, while somewhat repetitive, beautiful. The game itself? Boring.

You play as Altaïr, and assassin from the 12th Century , or at least Ubisoft leads you to believe you do. You actually play as Desmond Miles as he remembers what his ancestor Altaïr did in his time. Convoluted enough?

It seems that some shadowy agency has kidnapped dear Des in an attmept to tap his encoded memories of Altair and do something. Ok, the frame story sucks. The inner plot had a lot of potential. Altair, master assassin - yet loose cannon, is stripped of his status and has to start over from low on the totem pole. Not all that original, kinda Metroid-y, but seems like fun. However, Ubisoft decided to to screw it all up and add a sci-fi element to it. My stance on sci-fi has always been "If it doesn't have lightsabers, I don't care about it". I've recently had to edit that to "If it doesn't have lightsabers or a ship named Serenity..."

Anyway, long story short, this game is BORING. You spend 9 missions doing the same thing over and over. I hope you like walking around through non-descript cities and getting attacked by a clone army of beggars and drunks only to find an old guy and kill him. I've heard people comment on the intuitive combat system. Is "press X to win" intuitive? That's all you do.

In the interest of fairness, I was going to drudge through this game and finish it. Maybe there was a clever plot point at the end but I decided to trade it in on Endless Ocean for my neice. Ok, I also got Devil May Cry 4 for myself - that is the opposite of Assassin's Creed.

The point of this blog is to question why (oh, why) this game is getting such good reviews. Almost every gamer magazine talks about how awesome this game is or how it's the future of gaming. All I can say is, if this is the future of gaming, I need to turn in my gamer badge now because I don't like what I see coming.

The only magazine that I thought gave an honest review of this turd of a game was EGM. That might have something to do with why I have subscribed to them for over 5 years now. Two of the three reviews gave it average scores. Crispin Boyer gave it the most honest review - a 4.5 out of 10. At least there is one honest gamer magazine on the market.

I do have a theory as to why this game got such good reviews. Two words. Jade Raymond. I think her job title is game designer/angel. Don't hold me to that. I do think that alot of game reviewers compromised their integrity over a pretty girl though. Now, I'm not going to knock Ms. Raymond. I'm sure she is very good at what she does, but something got lost in the translation on Assassin's Creed. Maybe Assassin's Creed 2 will be better. I'll wait and take Crispin's word for it though.

Beer and Bad Movie Night

My friends and I have a totally random special event called Beer and Bad Movie Night. The night involves - get this - Beer AND Bad Movies. It also involves a sleep over at the Beer and Bad Movie Night host's house. I'll give you a brief history of the night of nights and a recap of our first venture into the masochistic depths of Beer and Bad Movie Night.

My friend Robin married a British guy named Adam. Back over in his home country of The Shire (as we call it), he and his mates had a special weekend event where they would sit around drink beer and watch awful movies. When he moved over here to Future World (as he calls it), he brought the tradition with him.

Now these aren't bad movies on the level of "Gigli". These are movies with titles like "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" or "Tongan Ninja" - movies that are so bad that at some point they manage to become entertaining again. So you can't watch "Ishtar", you have to watch "Fatty Drives the Bus". That makes sense, right?

We've 0nly had one official meeting of the American Chapter of Beer and Bad Movie Night. That night we started with "Shoot'em Up". In the end, it seems that this movie doesn't fit within the boundaries of Beer and Bad Movie Night seeing as how Michael, Adam, and I all agreed that this was the most awesome movie that was ever made and that it should be mandatory to have this movie tatooed onto your frontal lobe. This movie is nothing but action from beginning to end. This guy is after this baby but this other guy gets in the way and takes the baby to protect it. I'm not sure why, I just know that this is the equivalent of gun porn and is totally irreverent. This movie has gotten horrible reviews. I don't think the critics get it. It's obivious from the start that this movie does not take itself seriously and was just made to be a good, fun movies. Also, people get killed with carrots.

We followed up with Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter - a fantastically bad movie that tells the story of Lesbian-Abducting Vampires and the Savior who slays them. This movie contains the brillant line "We're running short on skin. We'll need to harvest more lesbians." That's probably enough said.

Next, we watched "Zombie Chronicles". That's all I'm going to say about that. It was Gigli-bad.

Finally, we caught a flick on Shotime called "2001 Maniacs". It was actually a pretty good movie and it starred possibly the hottest woman I've seen in a horror movie in the history of ever - Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! "2001 Maniacs" makes use of the old horror yarn of college kids on vacation that end up somewhere out of their element. These three college guys are headed to Florida for Spring Break when they end up taking a detour to a town that is seemingly lodged in the post Civil War 1800's. Of course, the townsfolk are insane. Along the way they meet a gay guy riding around with two HOT girls - one of them is none other than the Ms. Marla Malcolm. Yowzah! Anway, there is blood, gore, sex, racial insensitivities. All in all, its great!

After that, we went to sleep. I think I had four beers over the duration of the night. Adam had seven. Michael didn't have any because he was being paranoid and thought a beer would make him die. We woke up the next morning and watched the third installment of the new Star Wars Trilogy. Crap, what a bad movie!

Stay tuned for a review of the crappiest crap that's ever crapped a crap - AKA - Robo Vamp!

A Valentine's Alternative

Ahh, Valentine's Day. The single most romantic corporate-generated holiday in the whole entire history of the world. I can just see it. Ten thousand years ago, a man sitting in a cave huddled over a fire thinking to himself, "What can Grog give Sally Ann for Love-Heart day? Me needs to express me feelings for she so me can pass along my heritage and carry on me line. Maybe, she like this stuffed muskrat me made from a dead muskrat. Women like stuffed thing don't they?"

Ahh, Valentine's Day man can buy a woman a teddy bear dressed up like a bank robber just like nature intended. And let's not forget the flowers. To paraphrase Demetri Martin, "Here now watch these die. That's how I feel about you." Or something really classy like a Pajama-gram. "Honey, I love you so much, I'd like to objectify you for an evening."

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with love or sex or love and sex, but does it have to be so expensive. It costs enough to have a significant other these days. Do we need an entire day set apart for the purchase of meals, flowers, candy, stuffed bank robbers and the like?

Sure, love has its place. We are after all a societal species. We've all been subject to feelings like "I just can't live with out him/her" and that is because in our prehistory, we couldn't. But imagine if 'love' had been as complicated in Grog's time as it has been made today. If Sally Ann wasn't taken with Grog's stuffed muskrat, he might just give up on love all together and said, "This too hard. Maybe Grog just be a happy bachelor and let line die with Grog." Of course, it was easier in Grogs time. Which reminds me of a joke - why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? Because they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud.

But I digress...

Where is the day set aside for single people? I demand a Geeky Loner's Day! A day where I can stay in my pajamas, eat pizza, watch movies, and play videos games all day. Alone. Yessir, that's the day for me.

I wouldn't require flowers.

I mean if you want want to send me Geeky Loner's Day Flowers, go right ahead. Geeky Loner's Day Flowers will be accepted but not requested.

I can't wait for Geeky Loner's Day this year. I will start the day with games, nothing but games. A good 5 hours of gaming will make anyone's day a little better. Then after I have developed eye strain, I will settle back in my bed and watch a good zombie movie, maybe something from the Romero canon. Or maybe something that isn't really good, but still entertaining like The Dead Next Door. After that, it will be time for lunch which will consist of Cheez-its and Diet Pepsi. And that's just the a.m. hours! I'm not even going to get into what will happen after lunch.


Oh, the possibilities are endless!

PS3 and Kristin Holt - a dangerous combo

I've said for quite some time now that I was NOT going to spend my hard earned money on Sony's shiny, new box. I already own a 360 and its a dream machine. What more could I need? However, something came over me this past Sunday. I was watching the new and improved X-Play on G4 when the lovely, chisled out of perfect, Kristen Holt came on to give her cheating advice. This installment was about Uncharted: Drake's Fortune for the PS3.
The game looked great and I immediately checked my bank account to see if I could afford the aforementioned shiny box. Now this was not the first time that information given to me by a beautiful woman has had me checking my wallet, but this was possibly the most expensive time.

Kristin lulled me into submission and it was not 15 minutes later that I was on the phone with my friend Michael.

"Hey man, what are you doing today?" I asked.
"Nothing planned" he replied. "Why?"
"I'm thinking about going to the video game shop, wanted to see if you wanted to go."
"Sure, c'mon"

Notice I didn't say - "I'm thinking about buying a PS3". I still thought there was a chance to talk myself out of the purchase. It is, after all, a 30 min ride to the closest video game shop. However, Kristin was having none of that! By the time I got to Michael's apartment, I was fully convinced that the PS3 was for me. In fact I walked in the door of his apartment and said, "You sir, are about to witness the most expensive impulse buy in my 31-year history. I'm getting a PS3."

I'm sure Kristin Holt was sitting back in where ever she lives and smiling. Her feminine wiles had brought about the downfall of another gamer geeks bank account!

So off the Best Buy we went. Now, I know that Best Buy isn't a 'video game shop' but honestly, I didn't have the patience to deal with the dork brigrade at our local GameStops.


(Sample GameStop Conversations)
"Now, I don't want the 80Gig version."
"Because I can't imagine ever needing that much space"
"Yes, I want Uncharted and no, I don't care if its Tomb Raider without boobs."
"Oh really? Beat Halo on Legendary, eh? Well, I've touched a boob. How you like them apples?"

Anyway, $492.16 later, I was the proud owner of a PS3 and Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I think I heard Kristin laugh as I swiped my debit card. "This is all your fault, Kristin." I said to myself. So, we proceeded back to Michaels' and hooked the system up and after 6 straight hours of gaming, I finally went home. I was also no longer angry with sweet Kristin, she had done well to charm me into making this purchase. I'll post more of a review of the system and Uncharted in the coming weeks.

Attention Morgan Webb - Wait a couple of weeks before you use your charms to talk me into buying a Wii. Gotta let the funds build back up, babe.

Welcome to the world of tomorrow!

As the clock winds down on my work week, I want to take a few moments to explain myself and this blog. Honestly, I don't know how to do that though. "The Geek Shall Inherit" is going to be highly experimental. I suppose my main purpose for it is to have a place to air my thoughts on anything I want to. I'm a geek by nature, so its safe to say that my entries will revolve around things found in the geek utility belt. Maybe this will keep things fresh, maybe I will burn out and not care after about 2 weeks. You really can't tell. So just sit back, relax and see what happens!